Welcome!
Men in recovery can be challenged in reclaiming their sexual life; often the addiction and sex are intertwined. For other men, internalized shame around sexuality can contribute to the addiction. The support systems in 12 step programs are effective for helping to stop the addiction and begin the path toward recovery. Unfortunately, we’ve found that 12 step programs do not address how to reclaim our sexuality while staying clean and sober.
We believe that a healthy sexual life is integral to sustained recovery. Usually the model mentioned is to avoid any triggering situation; for many men sex can be a trigger. There may be a period, especially early in recovery, when refraining from sex may be needed. However, after time in recovery, men are sometimes afraid of exploring their sexuality and feel deprived of enjoyable sexual experiences. We strongly believe that you can be both clean and sober and sexually fulfilled. We’ve worked with men to help them find a fulfilling and satisfying sexual life while staying clean and sober.
Sobersexuality.com is focused on helping men live healthy fulfilled sexual lives while also honoring their sobriety. We’ve noticed a few themes that are important to help men in recovery to reclaim their sexuality: loving ourselves and presence and listening.
Loving Ourselves
One of the most powerful memes, or repeated messages of both religion and advertising is, “You are incomplete and you need another person.” So, very early in life, we are cast off from ourselves and embark on an endless quest of finding the perfect other. This turns out to be a pretty hopeless search for most people, wrought with endless pain and loss, which ferments into bitterness and hatred. You will not find anyone outside yourself until you have found you deep within yourself. Our culture pushes the idea of monogamy, but we forget that “mono” means ONE. You are the one.
We are usually our own worst critic. We know secrets about ourselves that no one else knows. We are constantly judging ourselves and the way we look. For many men our struggle with recovery adds to this inner criticism. We may blame ourselves for our struggle or blame our sexuality for the struggle. For men who identify as gay or queer, shame around sexual identification can also add to the noise of the inner critic.
Learn to love yourself exactly as you are.
Presence & Listening
The way we interact with time makes being present difficult. Most of us spend a lot of time being in the past or the future; yet we have a hard time being in the present. Being present simply means putting all of our attention on what’s going on right now.
When it comes to our erotic life we’re often in a different time. Some of us may be experiencing a lack of fulfillment in our erotic lives. We can be searching into the future to look for the perfect erotic encounter. Anticipating every need and solving that need in advance so that the experience, when it happens, is perfect. Rarely is this a satisfying approach. We can’t anticipate every possible situation, nor can we predict how our partner will feel at that time.
Many men are also focused on a particular goal around sex. That goal may be ejaculation or penetration or any number of things. When we’re focused on a goal, however pleasurable that goal may be, we’re not savoring the present moment. There’s a phrase we use often with clients and that’s “Enjoy the journey.” Savor the feelings in your body that are happening right now; anticipating what’s going to happen in the future just takes us away from what’s happening now.
Another advantage to being in the present is to break big issues into small, manageable pieces. For example, many men experience difficulties in getting and maintaining an erection. Sometimes we get so focused on having an erection that we aren’t aware how pleasurable touch can be on a soft penis. Often when we’re fully present – savoring the pleasure happening right now – the body takes over and does what comes naturally. For many men the key to erection problems is staying present and an erection will happen naturally. Of course, it’s not always this simple, but being present can often be a major step to reclaiming your erection.
It’s also important to listen to what your body really wants. Often our head may want something and our body just isn’t ready for it. I see this most often around sex. Most guys think that we’re supposed to be ready and willing for sex at any time. Most of us may have felt that way during our younger years and we become concerned when we no longer are ready at any time. Consequently, we don’t listen to our body and furtively engage in sexual activity when our body isn’t ready. The result is usually a less than satisfying experience.
Learn how to have a happy, fulfilled sexual life again while also honoring and supporting your recovery. Connect with a network of men to support you on this important journey. Our first introductory workshop will be offered in San Francisco on August 21!